


All That Love's About

by daesies



Category: Naruto
Genre: Character Study, Drama, F/M, Genin Era, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29596998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daesies/pseuds/daesies
Summary: In a perfect world, she’d turn around and face him - force him to look at her evergreen eyes - eyes he knows are his weakness. Everything that has happened and that has led up to this one moment is what makes it so hard to face her, and so he decides to stand behind her.
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke, Hatake Kakashi & Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	All That Love's About

**Author's Note:**

> Got in this mood to write a proper character study for Sasuke. He's always fun to break apart and put back together - one of my favorite, complex characters from the Naruto-verse. I don't think I did him justice, but I do hope everyone enjoys;; Some parts could potentially be a bit heavy to read through, so I want to put a bit of a warning beforehand.

In a perfect world, she’d turn around and look at him, grief-stricken and furious. Her force would strike him down to his very core and he, too, would break under the insurmountable tension that has existed between them. A tension, he notes, that began in the last few months. 

He’s not sure _when_ , he just knows it _exists_ . Perhaps it started after he woke up to her mourning over him. Pink strands sticking to her red, tear stained cheeks. A runny nose, voice broken, and an overwhelming amount of love pouring through her eyes as she held him close to her. Closer, closer, and tighter. “ _Thank god_ , Sasuke-kun is alive. _Thank god_.” 

He was powerless under her. Despite his futile attempts to ask her to get off of him, he let her hold him. When was the last time he let someone take care of him? The memories he has of his mother and of Itachi are fogged up by bitter hatred - but he remembers them in his dreams. He can still remember the smell of ocean and roses from his mother as she bandaged him up after practice. He dreams of falling asleep on his home’s engawa with Itachi during summer nights, with a flimsy blanket shared between two boys.

Since the Land of Waves, he dreams of being held by Sakura when he has nightmares. He dreams of letting her take care of him when he gets scraped. He dreams of letting her hold his hand if she wishes to. And he keeps these dreams as a secret he could never - _should never_ \- share with her. He had to stick to his goals and no amount of dreams can take him away from them.

His determination, he realized, began to waver during the Forest of Death. And he absolutely _despises_ her for it. Naruto, too. He went out of his way to save them both and then Sakura called him a coward and something in him broke because they’re both the same dead-weights. They’re _his_ dead-weights and he’s _theirs_. He hates how they’re all equally stubborn and childish and scared and he hates himself more when he’s on that tree branch and all he can do - all he thinks about - is holding onto Sakura for dear life. She's his lifeline, he realizes - his one bright star in a world that seems to always be night. 

He made her cry again - him and Naruto did. She’s lost and scared and worried and she holds his hand just as tight. He yells in agony. A yell that pierces through the thick forest trees. She holds him, hugs him to her as he fades into nothingness, all that was left behind was her warmth and her scent of vanilla and sakura petals. 

That’s why when he comes to (who knows how long after) and sees her broken, beaten, and overwhelmed by ninjas much stronger than her, something else in him snaps. This time, it’s not because he thinks his teammates are bringing him down. This time it’s a blinding force, a vast amount of anger. He becomes bloodthirsty and how _dare_ they hurt _Sakura_ -

“ _Please!_ ”

Her voice envelopes him in a bubble of serenity and her arms cradle him like he was something easily broken. Perhaps, he wonders, she was right in thinking that. Her scent overwhelms his sense - no longer the sweetness he’s learned to appreciate. She smells like fighting and metal, like what you’d expect from someone who wants to become a ninja. Her touch brings springtime with it, however, and he turns his head, holds her gaze as she whispers into the space between them, “ _please_ , stop.” 

Whispers of _it’s enough_ and _don’t do it_ leave her lips, words only meant for him. She makes flowers bloom in her wake, no matter if she’s not the perfect girl she’s tried so hard to be. Sasuke, however, finds her to be more beautiful now than ever before. Sasuke’s heart warms up at the sight of her grief, because someone cares, _truly_ cares. It isn’t about superficial values, but about him as a person. 

And it works. They sink down onto the ground together and she doesn’t let go of him. Even after Shikamaru’s team appears from their hiding spot - with Yamanaka being loud as ever and Choji being aloof - she stays close to him. He steals glances at her even when he starts telling Shikamaru what happens. She steals glances at him, too, while Ino fixes her hair. Even after Naruto wakes up, Sasuke sits next to her, afraid of being too far, too soon. He’s worried, but something in him melted away that day. 

He wasn’t sure what it was, then, but he’s sure of it now. He was sure of it when things went horrible, unexplainably wrong during the last leg of the Chunin Exams. He knew what it was when she protected him, so fearlessly, against Gaara. He knew what it was despite the envy boiling in him as Naruto promised to take care of him and Sakura. And he confirmed it when he told Naruto he didn’t want to see anyone else he cares about die.

 _So that’s what it is_ , he thinks as he places Sakura gently on a tree branch, Pakkun being their witness. His heart hurts at the fact that he put her in danger. If she had died… it would have been her blood on his hands. His touch lingers a second too long, the pads of his fingers tracing the curve of her cheek. He stares at her, the start of a promise churning in his stomach. A promise to be strong, _stronger than anyone_ , so he doesn’t have to watch her get hurt anymore. So he doesn’t have to rely on Naruto anymore. So that he can seek out his goals and bring honor back to his family name. 

And something else, a fleeting thought, flutters in his stomach, makes his bones feel like lead. It’s hard to go back and find Naruto when he realizes he loves them both. He thinks that maybe love is all of these small moments that happen between big events. All the moments when he wants to protect them or when he worries about their safety. Maybe it’s just that and it doesn’t have to be more complicated than what it actually is. 

He’s embarrassed after the fight with Gaara, however. Embarrassed for not being enough and embarrassed because despite the filial love he knows exists for Naruto, he wants nothing more than to beat him up. That notion, he realizes, scares him. He wills himself to go to Sandaimei’s funeral on Sakura’s request. She knows something is wrong, and that’s why she makes sure she’s outside his door that rainy morning, all dressed in black. He opens - he always does when he knows it’s her - and she’s all solemn stares and worried smiles. She gives him all the time and space he needs to fix himself up. 

They walk together under the rain and she’s unusually quiet. He doesn’t blame her for it, especially after everything they’ve been through. They were too young to know of so much war and blood. When they walk past Naruto’s building, he’s surprised he’s waiting out on the street and he knows Sakura planned for the three of them to walk together. So they do, and even though Sasuke thinks Naruto didn’t notice the way he was glaring at him, he did. He always did. Naruto decides to forget about it, too tired to argue. Too heartbroken. 

They all were. 

After they all place their flowers over the closed casket, he tends to a crying Sakura even though he feels like the ground underneath him is melting away, turning into deep waters, ready to suck him in and drown him. It catches him off guard when Naruto leans against Sakura, not being able to hide his grief behind pained eyes. For now, for a fraction of a second, the turmoil inside Sasuke turns into one feeling: sadness. He holds his teammates close to him, unsure of when the fleeting softness will leave him. Unsure of when will be the last time he lets himself be vulnerable. 

It didn’t get easier after that. Despite thinking he could feel better - with Sakura’s visits and Kakashi’s helicopter behavior and Naruto’s beaming presence - it just doesn’t. Somedays, he wakes up and things are fine. Sakura brings him lunch these days, and he even lets her stay over and eat with him. Naruto tells him about his training with Jiraiya-sama and he’s trying his best to turn the envy into motivation again. Kakashi is teaching him so much more than he could ever imagine, so shouldn’t he be thankful? Shouldn’t he be okay? 

But everything became worse, Sasuke’s reality distorted. He wasn’t sure what the difference between love and hate was; all he knew was that it was a blinding force, both feelings. 

After he fought Itachi alongside Naruto and Jiraiya-sama, things got darker, faster. And yet Sakura was there and so was Naruto. The whole time, they were by his side. When he woke up, she was there to hug him, crying into his shoulder and dampening his hospital gown. Naruto gave them all the space they needed ( _he_ needed, mostly). 

During one of his check ups, Tsunade clicked her tongue at the same time as she put her pen away, clipboard under her arm. “That girl really cares about you,” she began, giving the clipboard to her assistant who scurried away from the room. “Nurses told me she hasn’t left your side since you got admitted. You should thank her for it.”

Just like Tsunade said, Sakura came back almost every day while he was at the hospital. He couldn’t bring himself to thank her or show her kindness, let alone talk. If he was his normal self, he would have been proud of her when she told him she was thinking of asking _Tsunade-sama_ a spot as her apprentice. She was peeling and cutting apples for him, brimming with excitement. If he was the same boy he had been when they first became a team, he would have been glad to hear about Naruto’s improvement - it would have motivated him to get better so that they could train together. If only… if only… 

But all they did was fill his head with these voices that _mocked him_. Voices that told him he was rotting away in the village. He needed more, he needed power. Could Kakashi ever be enough? Could he keep growing the way Naruto was doing and the way Sakura was planning to? 

He was too traumatized, he knew. Incapable to do anything until he found the strength - the motivation, the will - to lead him forward. 

The love he knew he had for his team morphed into anger and envy and it was sickening. It fogged his head with thoughts of killing indiscriminately and he was scared of being the one to hurt them. If his fight with Naruto on the hospital roof was any indication, then he knew he had to go. He had to leave them before he hurt them. He would never forgive himself if he hurt them. Would he? He wasn’t sure. 

That same day, Kakashi ties him against a tree with wire and there’s so much disappointment and hurt in his eye that it completely throws Sasuke off center. He’d never think that his mentor would feel like this at seeing his team crumble apart so soon. Perhaps that was Sasuke’s mistake, for not realizing how much he cared for the three of them like a parent. 

“I shouldn't have to tell you this, but I’m disappointed.” Sasuke is silent as Kakashi kneels in front of him, serious and hurt and everything else in-between. “You have to let it go,” he continues and it makes Sasuke scoff because - 

What does _he_ know about losing loved ones?  
  
Kakashi smiles a pained smile. “I’ve met a lot of people that have felt the way you do and trust me, it leads nowhere. You have to forget about revenge. It never ends well. It’ll tear you apart.” For a moment, Kakashi’s grip on the wire loosens and he’s back to that disappointed look from earlier. “Let’s say you get your revenge, what will you have to show for it after?”  
  
Sasuke grits his teeth, almost growls like a wild animal in seething, blinding anger as his teacher lectures him. _He’s right_ , a voice in the back of his head whispers, _you know he is - No! He isn’t. He doesn’t_ know _how it feels - how I feel - he doesn’t -_

“You’ll have nothing, Sasuke. All you’ll feel is emptiness -”  
  
“Shut up!” He yells, eyes closed. He’s not sure if he’s yelling at Kakashi or at his intrusive thoughts. “You don’t know _anything_ at all! You _don’t_ know how it feels like to lose everyone you love. What would you do if I killed everyone that mattered to you?” His words are bark but not bite, especially not for Kakashi who smiles yet again.  
  
His mentor looks down at the tree branch, tightens the wire an uncomfortable amount and gets a yelp out of Sasuke. “If you tried, you’d soon find out all those people are dead.” Sasuke looks at his teacher properly this time, shock all over his features. He should have had an inkling that Kakashi and him were more similar than his selfish ego let him believe. He should have been more empathetic, understanding, open to the idea that perhaps in the world they all live in, he isn’t the only one orphaned and lonely. If only he was the same boy from the beginning of the year - if only he could distinguish between nightmare and reality, he would have realized sooner. He would have let himself empathize and sympathize with the world around him.

But it was so hard to do that when he was hurting so much, when he wanted things to be the way they were when he was five and crying in the living room for his father’s attention. He wanted to hear his mother’s laugh whenever he told her some childish adventure. No matter how much Sakura’s laugh soothed him, it wasn’t enough to rid him of the rage he felt when he thinks that his own brother took away his mother. And no matter how much he wants to fight Naruto, he can’t stop thinking that he reminds him of Itachi more and more. A version of Itachi that perhaps never existed in the first place. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore. 

“I’ve taught you so much, Sasuke. The Chidori is a powerful technique and it can take you far,” he says, softly, and the wires finally loosen up enough that Sasuke can breathe normally. “But you should _never_ use that on your comrades,” he says, serious, gaze piercing. “You remind me so much of myself when I was young - angry, lost, feeling lonely. But you have to remember that feeling lonely doesn’t mean you’re alone. I’ve been around for a long time, kid, much longer than you have and I’ve seen my fair share of troubles. You and I - we’re not the only ones that have lost loved ones. But we’re both lucky, don’t you think?”  
  
Sasuke can’t bring himself to look at his mentor anymore. “We’re lucky to have new people in our lives we can call a home. People that fill up that void in us. I’m not asking you to believe in me when I tell you it gets better and that the bonds you’ve made with your team will take you farther than revenge ever could. That would be expecting too much. However, I am asking you to consider it as guidance - a bit of wisdom I’m offering you. I don’t want to see my team go down a path I’m too familiar with.” 

Kakashi loved them and that was another thing they had in common. His mentor leaves soon after sharing those words with him and Sasuke is left sitting with his back against the tree long after the sun goes down. 

He’d be a fool to think Kakashi was wrong - he wasn’t proud of the person he was becoming, but he wasn’t sure he was strong enough to stop himself from doing something he’ll regret. And now - especially now - Orochimaru's words ring in his ears, words he spoke about Sasuke seeking him out for power. Perhaps… that’s what he needed.

In some distorted reality, that’s what he believed he needed. More power, to not see Sakura cry anymore. More power, to not have to be saved by Naruto anymore. More and more and more - 

Perhaps this is the one good thing he can do. Leave and never come back, all for _them_. And hopefully, they won’t follow him. Knowing who his team is, they won’t stop looking for him if he leaves and he knows that, even if he doesn’t want to think about it as he makes his bag to walk out of their lives. 

And that’s why, in a perfect world, she’d turn around and face him - force him to look at her evergreen eyes - eyes he knows are his weakness, even if she doesn’t know that yet. Everything that has happened and that has led up to this one moment is what makes it so hard to face her, and so he decides to stand behind her. He avoids looking at her eyes for too long throughout her entire confession.

Confessions of pure, sincere, unadulterated love. All for him and no one else. 

But in a perfect world - in a world where he wasn’t so weak and insecure - he would recognize what Kakashi offered him as the truth. He’d want power, but he’d find it through friendship, through love. He’d admit to himself that his team is his new family. 

She’d turn around right now, in this moment where he’s gnawing at his bottom lip, too worried his voice will crack because of the sheer amount of love and power she has over him. And her eyes would look into his and the first thing she’d do is hug him to her, remind him of the love he’s been craving for so long. 

In a perfect world, he’d break apart in her arms and she’d cry into his shoulder. They’d wake up tomorrow and talk to Naruto. They’d all make up with one another, as friends should do. When they’re all ready, stronger, older, they could change the world, make it a better, kinder place. 

He’d fall in love with the idea of living and he’d fall in love with Sakura as she grows into her skin. He’d recognize that Naruto is as much his brother as Itachi is. And as for Kakashi, he’d admit to himself that he’s the person he looks up to the most. 

He’d marry Sakura and Kakashi would be his stand-in father. Sakura would be all peaches and pinks and blow him away. It’d be a small wedding, only their closest friends, and Naruto would be there, proud that they _both_ made it.

He doesn’t have to leave. He can stay. He could take her word for it, and stay here with her and Naruto. Things can be good - great, even. 

That’s when he hears her take in a sharp breath and the world around him resumes its pace. The cicadas crying from the trees and the humidity clinging to his clothes all rush back to him. He feels a heavy pit in his stomach and he has to be strong because this is the right thing to do. It’s what he deserves. 

“Sakura,” he manages to say after coming back to his senses. “Thank you.” 

There’s a pause again. It’s heavy and it’s everything he doesn’t want but knows he deserves. In the space left between them, he can smell her - all vanilla and sakura petals. Where he’s standing, he can tell she has a few moles on her neck - small stars he wishes he could kiss one day. In this moment that’s lasting too long, he can hear her crying, unsure of what to say or how to respond to his words. He considers it all one last time, and then - 

“Thank you for loving me,” he whispers this secret that he wants to keep only between them. It’s right then that Sakura’s world goes black, a whisper of his name on her lips. He immediately holds her limp body in his arms - almost like the physical manifestation of the immediate regret he’s feeling in the back of his throat and in the pit of his stomach.

She’s heavy, unconscious, as he carries her over to the nearest bench. It’s harder now to leave her when he looks down at her tear stricken face. If she had only moved, turned around, he knows he would have stayed. He’s weak under her power and it’s something he’s ashamed of admitting. 

He looks at her perhaps for longer than he should, remembering the slope of her nose and the plumpness of her lips. He brushes her hair back away from her face, then cradles her cheeks. He kneels next to the bench, simply looking at her, admiring her, finding the strength he needs to commit to his decision. 

“Forgive me, Sakura,” he says, a whisper, even though there’s no one else in the park. His hands let go of her, instead bringing one of hers up to his lips and leaving behind a confession of his own - a kiss to the back of her hand. A kiss that lasted a second too long, in hopes his gratitude sinks into her skin and settles into her bones. 

And so he leaves, remembering the promise he made to himself. Remembering he’s doing it for them. No matter how hard the road ahead is, he knows one day they can go back to how things were. That becomes his new dream, even though it takes many years after to realize it. 


End file.
